Do You Need Couples Counseling? Find Out Here!

June 22, 2018

 

 

It's hard to know when things are bad enough that it's time for couples counseling.   Grab a pencil and take the quiz below to find out if you should start counseling.

 

 

1.) When I open up to my partner and share vulnerable feelings I mostly feel:

A:     Understood and supported

B:     Like my partner is interested but not very involved

C:     Like my partner moves in to 'solve my problem' or else gets defensive

D:     At this point, I don't open up to my partner much

 

2.) I feel like I understand my partner's insecurities because:

A:     He/she talks to me about them and asks for my support

B:     He/she mentions them without much discussion

C:     I can tell when my partner's upset even though he/she doesn't talk about it

D:     I honestly don't know what's going on inside my partner much of the time

 

3.) Spending time alone with my partner is most often:

A:     Relaxing and a treat just hanging out together

B:     Fun if we are sharing something we both enjoy

C:     Not as much fun as being with other people together

D:     A mixed bag, sometimes enjoyable but sometimes tense

 

4.) When we have a conflict we:

A:     May blow up or get heated but then talk about it and work it out

B:     We rarely have conflicts, we sometimes disagree but it just works out somehow on it's own

C:     There's a lot of conflict, either open or unstated, in our relationship, but we don't address it

D:     We used to fight a lot, but we've pretty much given up

 

5.) In our views on how to live life (money, raising children, values) we:

A:     Don't always agree but are able to respect each other's differences, even if they grate from time to time

B:     Share a lot of common interests. Our values seem similar enough to not create problems

C:     Have very different values on many issues, but it doesn't get us anywhere to try discussing them

D:     Usually disagree. My partner tries to control many aspects of our lives

 

6.) When I share ideas with my partner, about myself or the world, I generally feel:

A:     Stimulated and respected. I'm interested in my partner's opinion and feel the same back

B:     Like my partner listens respectfully but is really more concerned with his or her own thoughts and ideas

C:     My partner turns to other people for intellectual companionship

D:     My partner rarely gives me the credit I deserve. Sometimes, he/she just acts like I'm stupid

 

7.) I feel judged and criticized by my partner:

A:     Only rarely

B:     Occasionally

C:     Often

D:     Most of the time

 

8.) My partner and I are physically affectionate (hold hands, cuddle, put our arms around one another)

A:     A lot

B:     Occasionally

C:     Rarely

D:     Almost never

 

9.) Sex with my partner is:

A:     A place where we connect, even though it's hard to make the time for it sometimes

B:     Satisfying if a bit routine

C:     Something I'd like to see more of, but I need to feel more connected first

D:     A sore spot between us, something we often wind up fighting about

 

10.) When I think of growing old together, I:

A:     Imagine it will be great to be unconstrained by our many responsibilities and enjoy the world together

B:      Think we will be good companions who can trust one another

C:     Wonder if we will have enough in common to share a good life together

D:     Worry that without the glue that's been holding us together things may get worse between us, or else we might drift apart

 

Results:

 

 

If you answered mostly A's or B's:

It sounds like you have a pretty good relationship!  There might be a few areas that you could use improvement, like on communication or compromise but for the most part, things are going well.  A couples counselor can teach you some communication tools if you like.  Or you can begin that work on your own. 

Here are a few book recommendations written by fabulous therapists (these are my favorite!):

 

Mating in Captivity by Ester Perel

Relationship Reset by Jen Elmquist

New Rules of Marriage by Terry Real 

 

 

 

If you answered mostly C's or D's:

You would benefit from relationship counseling with a qualified couples counselor.  That means someone that specializes in couples counseling (ahem, that's me) because they will have training and an approach that will help you fix your relationship.  You will learn tools for better communication, create new patterns for interacting, talk out issues in your relationship and find resolution and repair past hurts.  You will increase connection and intimacy.  Find joy, peace and happiness in your relationship and have more/better sex.  A great couples counselor can help you do this!

 

 

 

 

 

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