Jfd. Just bleeping do it. The motivation will come later. If you wait for the motivation to be there, you could be waiting forever.
Why? Because there is a myth in the way our culture talks about sex. They describe sex as a process that follows a step-by-step process and Step 1 always comes before Step 2.
What are the steps? Well Step 1 is desire. Wanting to have sex. The way we talk about sex is first we want it. Then Step 2 is arousal. First we want, then we begin to do.
Guess what? This is inaccurate for MANY people. Many people do not have spontaneous desire. Some do. Both are normal. But for a lot people, they need something to make them desire sex. Enter in: arousal. First a little do, then the want will follow.
So what do you do? Put aside the thoughts. You know the ones. I'm too tired. I have to get up early. That sounds like a lot of work. I'm annoyed with you. I want to watch my show. They are tempting thoughts to pay attention to instead of having sex. All very valid. However, there are many reasons to have sex.
There are? Yes! It is good for you! The science says so.
Here are the reasons:
Sex helps beat depression
It boosts your immune system
Sex lowers your blood pressure
It helps you sleep better
Sex counts as exercise
Sex can reduce pain
It's an energy booster
My all-time favorite: sex makes you feel closer to your partner which can improve your relationship!
To be clear, when I'm talking about this, I'm assuming you want to have more sex. This is not advice to persuade your partner when they really don't want to be having more sex. This is not to add pressure to your already overly demanding life. This is advice for those that want to be having more sex and have gotten poor advice that they need to first increase their desire.
There you have it. JFD. Just bleep-ing do it! Start by having sex today. Or tomorrow. Flip the steps you thought you knew around. First do arousal (by having sex), then the desire and motivation will follow.
Corrin Voeller is a relationship therapist in St. Louis Park, Minnesota. She does in-person and online counseling and coaching with couples and individuals to improve the relationships in their lives. She lives with her husband, children, and extremely fat dog.
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